Ashes in the Light

I think growing older is strange.

We spend so much of our younger years wanting to grow up.

Wanting freedom.

Wanting independence.

Wanting to finally become the person who gets to decide what happens next.

And then one day, we get there.

We grow up.

We build careers.

We pay bills.

We learn how to navigate relationships, responsibilities, expectations, disappointments and all the other things nobody really prepares us for.

Life becomes fuller.

But somehow, heavier too.

And every now and then, I find myself missing a version of me that existed somewhere along the way.

Not necessarily younger.

Just… lighter.

The version of me who didn’t analyse everything quite so much.

Who could decide she wanted something and simply go for it.

Who could walk away from things without needing twenty different explanations.

Who didn’t always wonder what people would think.

There was a certain 潇洒 about her.

A little 洒脱.

A very simple—

算了，不管了。

And then she’d move on with her life. 😂

Sometimes I wonder where she went.

Maybe growing older naturally makes us more cautious.

We’ve experienced more.

Lost more.

Been disappointed more.

We understand consequences now in ways our younger selves didn’t.

So we think before we speak.

We calculate before we leap.

We learn which battles are worth fighting and which ones aren’t.

Perhaps that’s wisdom.

But sometimes…
I miss being a little reckless with my peace.

I miss not giving everything so much power over me.

Not every unanswered message needed analysing.

Not every person’s opinion deserved space in my head.

Not every disappointment required closure.

Not everything needed to make sense before I could let it go.

There was something freeing about simply saying,

Whatever.

And actually meaning it.

Maybe that’s the version of ourselves we sometimes miss as we grow older.

Not our younger faces.

Not our younger bodies.

Not even the lives we used to have.

We miss how lightly we once carried ourselves.

Before we collected all these responsibilities, experiences and invisible little weights along the way.

But perhaps she isn’t really gone.

Maybe she’s still somewhere underneath all the grown-up layers.

A little older now.

A little wiser.

Probably considerably more tired. 😂

But still capable of saying:

算了。

随缘吧。

不值得就不要了。

And walking away without needing to look back.

Maybe growing older doesn’t mean becoming that younger version of ourselves again.

Maybe it’s learning how to bring a little of her 洒脱 with us into the person we’ve become.

To care deeply about the things that matter.

And once in a while…

to give a little less of a fuck about the things that don’t. 🌿